


The act or business of transporting goods

by dasyuridae



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 1am fic, Kinda Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 11:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3208040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dasyuridae/pseuds/dasyuridae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo and Bokuto shenanigans :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Repressed Homosexuality

Kuroo spun round on his chair slowly. “Okay.” he said, pointing an almost accusatory finger at Bokuto. The second boy was lying on Kuroo’s bed, throwing a volleyball up and down. “Okay.” Kuroo repeated. “I’ve called you here because I have had a realisation.” Now his finger was pointed dramatically towards his ceiling.   
Bokuto just grunted. He was in a terrible mood.   
“It is a realisation that may change the way you think about everyone you know. Bear in mind, a realisation is nothing without a dream. And I have that dream. But I need your help to make it a reality.”   
“Just get to the point already.”   
“Bokuto… all of our teams are fucking gay.”

\---

The whiteboard was empty, apart from a caricature of an owl with Bokuto’s hair (courtesy of Kuroo Tetsurou). It was in a break between one of their scrimmages and both the owl and the artist in question were sitting in the small room sometimes used for discussing strategy. Bokuto had a black eye, thanks to his reaction after Kuroo had revealed his ‘realisation’. He had dropped the volleyball on his face. But now here he was, going along with the black-haired boy’s crazy plan. And, if he was to be honest, kind of enjoying it. “How about the two from Karasuno?” asked Kuroo. “You know, Asahi and Nishinoya?”   
Bokuto hmmed to himself. “Are you sure? Maybe we should start with something a bit easier, work our way up kinda thing.”   
“Dude have you seen them?” replied Kuroo, standing up and walking over to the board. “This is going to be easy as pie!”   
“Yeah but to me Nishinoya seems pretty damn into their manager.”   
There was a moment of silence until Kuroo suddenly made a small shout and started writing something on the board. Once done he stood back to allow Bokuto to see his work. “The name of this operation!” he crowed happily. On the board, scrawled in messy letters, were the words

**Misson 1: Repressed Homosexuality**

“Perfect.” said Bokuto, grinning. They could help Nishinoya get over his shallow feelings for Kiyoko. For a second they basked in the sheer glory of their creativity.   
“So, any id-“ Kuroo’s question was cut short by the door swinging open. Akaashi walked in, humming lightly to himself. Suddenly he saw the whiteboard and froze. He looked at Bokuto and Kuroo and then back to the whiteboard, reading the words. His eyes flicked back to the two, who were attempting to look as innocent as possible. Kuroo, whiteboard marker still held to the whiteboard, grinned ingratiatingly. A short silence turned into a longer one. Bokuto smiled and did a little peace sign. Slowly Akaashi walked backwards out of the door, mouthing the words ‘repressed homosexuality’. As soon as the door clicked shut Kuroo and Bokuto dissolved into helpless giggles.   
“Did you see his face?” gasped Nekoma’s captain. “Holy shit that was great!”

\---

“Asahi!” said Kuroo happily, sliding next to him on the bench where he was seated. “My man!”   
Karasuno’s ace looked a bit shocked. “Hi.” he replied cautiously.   
“I’ve got a question to ask you.”   
Asahi’s shock got even more pronounced. “O-oh, okay.”   
“Think carefully about your answer. Do you have a crush on Nishinoya?”   
The reaction was instantaneous. Asahi’s face travelled quickly through a whole variety of colours, before settling on bright, bright red. He started stammering a reply. “I- what? No, yeah, that’s, I mean… Um like, I guess if, but you… yeah. I guess. Yeah.”   
Kuroo grinned like a cat. “You go man. I’m rooting for you.”   
Asahi’s face, if that was even possible, got redder. Smoothly Kuroo stood up, patting the guy on the shoulder. He pulled out his phone and started tapping into it.

[To: Owl Boy   
From: Fuckin Rooster Head   
15.10

Subject 1 confirmed! Dude, its on.]

[To: Fuckin Rooster Head   
From: Owl Boy   
15.11

subject 2 is being evasive. gimme a couple.]

“Why are you asking?” said Nishinoya suspiciously.   
“Just curious. I’m the kind of person that needs to check out my hunches.” replied Bokuto.   
“Hmph. My heart is set on Kiyoko.” The libero grinned, placing a hand to his heart.   
“Bro we all know you have no chance.”   
Nishinoya looked very insulted. “Excuse you! Our romance is merely… waiting to blossom.”   
“But back to the original question. Do you or do you not have a crush on Azumane Asahi?”   
“I’d say I have a crush on Kiyoko. She’s pretty. I like her personality as well but it’s more just hot damn. But I guess. You could say it’s a bit more like love with him.”   
Bokuto gaped for a second. That was… surprisingly heartfelt.   
The shorter boy narrowed his eyes. “Don’t you fucking _dare_ tell anyone I said that.” Bokuto nodded vigorously as Nishinoya walked away then, as soon as he was out of eyeshot, pulled out his phone.

[To: Fuckin Rooster Head   
From: Owl Boy   
15.19

bro this shit is going down. we have caught ourselves two little lovebirds. love crows?]

\---

After a phone conversation the night before Kuroo and Bokuto had figured out the next step of their grand plan. There was only one thing remaining to sort out.  
“Romance.” said Kuroo, crossing his arms. “Just imagine it!”   
“Nah, they’ll be too weirded out. Do horror.” Bokuto insisted. “  
Asahi will flip his shit! He seems all scary but remember when Yamamoto got that cut? He looked like he was going to faint!”   
Bokuto grinned. “Exactly.”   
“Wha- Oh. Ohhh!” The simple wonder of the plan dawned on Kuroo. “You are great man. This is going to be awesome.”  


[To: Asahi   
From: Kuroo   
19.37

Hey dude, wanna come to a movie with me tomorrow? I have asked literally everyone but theyre all busy and I dont want to be a loner ]

\---

[To: Asahi   
From: Kuroo   
9\. 17

Sorry man somethings come up last second. I can’t make it so ive given my ticket to Nishinoya. Hope thats all good ]

[To: Nishinoya   
From: Kuroo   
9\. 18

I was gonna go to this movie with Asahi but shit’s come up so I can’t make it. you want my ticket? ]

The cinema was packed when Nishinoya arrived. Luckily Asahi was easy to spot, as crowds tended to leave a space around him. Plus he was taller than the majority of other people. The short boy ducked and weaved his way through the crowd until he reached his friend and grinned up at him. “Hey!”   
Asahi smiled at him, looking very nervous for some reason. “Hey. I got the tickets.” He held up the scraps of paper. “Also those sweets you like.”   
Nishinoya did a little fist pump. “Alright! You’re the best! What movie is it?”   
“I can’t remember the name.” Asahi shrugged. “Kuroo said his cousin had recommended it.”   
“Speaking of that cocky bastard, do you know what happened to make him miss it?” As he was speaking the libero suddenly came to an uncomfortable realisation. Oh my god. That little asshole. Kuroo had set this entire thing up. He and Bokuto were in cahoots! After repeating cahoots to himself a couple of times because ca _hoots_ and owls (he was on top punning form), he had another uncomfortable realisation. He couldn’t say anything because then Asahi would ask why those two had gone to the effort of setting it up. God _damnit._   
“Nah no clue. Anyway, should we go in?” Asahi still hadn’t realised what was up, and was simply feeling nervously excited about going to a movie with Nishinoya.  


Soon they were seated in the comfortable cinema seats. The movie started slowly, seeming like a sort of basic slice of life. And then it wasn’t anymore. It was definitely not a slice of life. Nope. No, no, no. Nishinoya could feel Asahi tensing up next to him when the first blood splatter splashed against the camera. Cautiously he took his hand in his own. It wasn’t really a romantic gesture, more a supportive one, but he couldn’t deny that he was enjoying it. A few minutes later (not even halfway through the movie) the rest of the cinema was treated to the shorter boy attempting to carry an unconscious Asahi out of the room. After a kind moviegoer helped out Nishinoya got him into the corridor and propped up against the wall.   
“Sir?” said an employee, popping up seemingly out of nowhere. “Do you need any help?”   
After eschewing his first reaction as inappropriate (of course I need fucking help what does it look like?) Nishinoya decided to go with the more polite option. “Yes. Yes I do. Could you like, hire a cab or something?”   
The employee nodded and bustled off to organise it. Behind him, the little libero sighed. Fuck you Kuroo. Fuck Bokuto too. Okay yeah maybe he was having weird ass ‘caring for Asahi’ fantasies but still. Fuck them.

\---

Asahi looked ridiculously huge in Nishinoya’s tiny bedroom. After an awkward moment in the taxi it had become clear the only conscious person out of the two of them didn’t actually know where Asahi lived. So he had resorted to hauling his friend up to his apartment where he lived with his parents. Thank god for having parents who worked late. Also thank god for elevators, a comfort he had not fully appreciated until now. Asahi still hadn’t woken up so Nishinoya was perched on a stool, sipping on a cup of tea. He hated to admit it, but when he was sleeping the ace looked almost… cute. Not that he hadn’t noticed this before, but somehow since his conversation with Bokuto his feelings had come into further clarity. Yeah, Kiyoko was great. But he couldn’t imagine actually being together with her. It was almost as if it was simply force of habit that kept him blindly traipsing after her. On the other hand he could imagine being with Asahi for the rest of the life. And doing cute domestic stuff and kissing and…   
Asahi woke up just in time to see Nishinoya choking on his tea, face bright red. “Where am I?” he asked drowsily.  
Nishinoya jumped, then looked guilty. “Um. Yeah. You’re in my bedroom.”   
“Oh.” There was a pause. Asahi sat up suddenly. “Oh! Why?”   
“You fainted in that movie.”   
Asahi blushed. “Right. Yeah. Sorry.”   
Nishinoya thought to himself. This was the moment. If he was going to do it, he had to do it now. He needed something big and exciting and just having woken up from a dead faint seemed pretty big and exciting. Summoning all his courage (and attempting to ignore the hot tea dripping down his shirt) he stood up. “Asahi!” he shouted. Asahi looked scared almost to the point of fainting again. “Ifuckinglikeyouwillyougooutwithme?”

\---

“Kuroo? Bokuto?” said Nishinoya, walking over to them.   
“Yeah?” they said in unison. Their heads were bent over a notebook. All Nishinoya could see were the words ‘Freight Transport’.   
“Uh. Thanks. I guess. Because you guys are manipulative little assholes and you’ve made my life a lot better but I hate you for it.”   
Bokuto grinned knowingly, then held up his hand. Kuroo obligingly high fived it.   
“Oh fuck off.”   
They watched as Nishinoya stalked back and started chatting quietly to Asahi.   
“You know,” said Kuroo, raising an eyebrow. “We may not actually have done young Nishinoya there a favour.”   
Bokuto put on a weird accent. “And why would that be old chap?”   
“Well my dear fellow,” began Kuroo, replying similarly. “Look at the size of him!”  
“And why on earth should that matter, what?”   
“Let’s just jolly well say that he is going to be in a lot of blinking pain, eh?”   
Bokuto looked thoughtful for a second, then snorted loudly. “Oh my god you’re right. Ahaha!” he laughed, dropping the accent.   
"Expect a lot of hobbling from Nishinoya’s end.”   
Bokuto was too busy laughing to reply intelligibly, but he managed to wheeze out something about Nishinoya getting squashed.   
Kuroo grinned. Their first operation had been successful. One down, oh so many to go.


	2. Alabastor

“Ha! Haha! Take that! Rat a tat fucking cat!”   
Kuroo scowled. “Come on Bokuto, gimme a rematch! You got like sixty draw 2’s in a row.”   
Bokuto was too busy doing a victory dance to hear him. Five minutes earlier he had been completely dejected, rolling around on the floor and complaining about the unfairness of Kuroo getting four 0’s. Now his previous losses had been forgotten, as well as the fact that he’d only won by one point.   
“You’re an asshole.” said Kuroo, taking a drink from his waterbottle.   
“Then what does that make you?” asked Bokuto patronisingly. “Hm? What’s that? A fucking LOSER that’s what!” He continued his victory dance until during one particularly complicated manoeuvre he hit the wall and had to sit down suddenly.   
Kuroo snorted. “Anyway, screw Rat a Tat Cat. I’ve been thinking. You know, Asahi and Nishinoya worked like a breeze. But we need some new material. We need to keep on this roll.”   
Bokuto nodded. “I’ve also been thinking.” he said, gingerly rubbing his knee where he’d hit the wall. “And you know what? I think we should get paid.”   
“Hmm… But part of the fun is them not knowing about us doing it.” Kuroo commented.   
“That didn’t work with Nishinoya, remember? What about afterwards we go up and ask for payment?”

\---

“Shit man, you okay?” asked Bokuto nervously.   
Kuroo nodded. “Wow. Nishinoya throws a mean punch. I wasn’t expecting him to react so badly to the suggestion of payment.”   
“You were lucky Asahi was there to drag him off you.”  
“Praise the lord for Asahi. I thought I was a goner. I was writing my will in my head to be honest.”   
“Did I get anything?” Bokuto said excitedly.   
Kuroo grinned. “Well I was gonna give you my 3Ds but then I was like hold up he was the one who got me in this mess in the first place. So nah. You got fuck all.”   
“Bro!”  
“Sorry. Bros don’t get bros attacked by small angry volleyball players. It’s the first rule of broship. The first rule. And you broke it.” Kuroo shook his head in disappointment. “ _Bro_ ke it.” said Bokuto happily. “Anyway, will you forgive me if I help you creepily stalk people and work out who we want to help out next?”   
Kuroo jumped out of his prone position on the volleyball bench. “You sure know how to make an invalid feel happy.”

\---

“Look at all of ‘em.” Bokuto said, with the air of a proud parent. “I just want to make their gay little hearts happy!”   
Kuroo nodded sincerely. “It brings a tear to my eye to be honest. So many to choose from.”   
They both looked down at the list they had written up on their notebook. Bokuto lowered his voice to a whisper. “Akaashi is giving us weird looks.”   
“I noticed. How does it make you feel?”   
"What do you mean how does it make me feel?” said Bokuto indignantly.   
“You help other people without being able to help yourself. Oh, the tragedy!” Kuroo put a hand to his brow and struck a dramatic pose.   
Bokuto glared at him. “Aaaanyway!” he said quickly. “I’m thinking, uhh, the two from your team. You know, Russian boy and the little one.”   
“You know,” said Kuroo, by way of light conversation. “There’s a mythical creature in Russia called an Alabastor that literally makes people so horny they fuck until they die. It takes the form of this old man. With like a white beard and shit.”   
Bokuto stared at him.   
“There’s a shrew that does the same thing to itself in breeding season. It’s called an antechinus or something. It gets all gross and diseased and doesn’t eat or drink or anything.”   
The staring didn’t stop. There was a moment of silence while Kuroo considered the fact that maybe what he just said had been a bit weird.   
Bokuto sighed. “Man you really need to get some action. Before you go all shrew on everyone.”   
Kuroo just looked indignant.  
 

**Mission 2: Alabastor**

The two wannabe cupids didn’t bother with confirmation this time. After all, last time that’d simply made Nishinoya figure out what was up. Plus it was much more fun to just engage in a behavioural study. Equipped with timer, notebook and a considerable ability to see subtext in everything, Bokuto observed one of Nekoma’s training sessions.

_Subject 1 looked at Subject 2 for 0.5 seconds. Subject 2 smiled and patted Subject 1 on the head. S1 hit him. S2 hit in the stomach with volleyball. S2 sitting on floor. Appears to be groaning in pain. Kuroo attempts to be a good captain, fails miserably. Haha suck it. S1 helping S2 up. Rest of team looking only vaguely interested. May be common occurrence. Kuroo attempts to flirt with Pudding head, gets ignored. Kuroo is far more interesting than actual subjects who are pretty much definitely in deep gay love. As an expert, I can confirm. Also this is more boring than I expected. And just for confirmation when I say I’m an expert I don’t mean I’m in deep gay love. No matter what Kuroo says. S2 has recovered, btw._  
Kuroo looked up from the notebook. “That was absolutely useless.”   
Bokuto just laughed, and received a notebook in his face for his troubles.

\---

It was cold. Like, really cold. Way too cold for this time of year. But while everyone else in the Tokyo training camp was warming up playing volleyball, Bokuto was sneaking through the locker room. For a bit more context, that’s the locker room with the broken heating. The freezing cold locker room.   
“Yaku, Yaku…” whispered Bokuto under his breath as he went through the bags. Kuroo had said it was black and blue so… Aha! He spotted one fitting the description and opened it up. Rummaging through, he found what he’d been looking for. He tucked it quickly into his pocket and rushed back into the warm gym.   
“Did you get them?” asked Kuroo out of the side of his mouth. “1…2…3…” He was counting the number of stretches he had done.   
“After nearly freezing my balls off yeah, I did.”   
Kuroo smirked. “7…Let the games begin! 9…”   
Bokuto ran off to his own team, shouting back to Kuroo as he ran. “10! 5! 6! 42! 3!”   
The black haired boy lost count. “Fuck you!”

\---

“Are you walking home today?” asked Lev, resting his arm on Yaku’s shoulder. Yaku pushed him away and nodded. The taller boy grinned and skipped ahead of him. Yaku sighed and followed along. Somehow they’d ended up walking home after practice together every day. To be honest, he wasn’t exactly sure how it’d happened. Not that he didn’t enjoy it. His kouhai was annoying as hell but he couldn’t deny that it was a kind of annoyance he liked. Lev prattled as they walked, mainly about volleyball. Specifically volleyball and how good he was at it. Yaku only kept one ear on what the conversation was about, a skill he’d become great at recently. The rest of his attention was focused on how cold his hands were. For some reason his gloves hadn’t been in his bag. He wringed his hands together, trying to keep them warm. It was freezing out here.   
“Yaku-chan!” said Lev. “Are you listening?”   
Yaku looked up at him suddenly. _Yaku-chan?_ Since when had Lev called him Yaku-chan?  
Lev smiled in a self-satisfied way. “That’s an easy way to get your attention. Anyway, I asked you if your hands are cold.”   
“Yeah…” replied Yaku. “I lost my gloves. I don’t know how though, I had them this morning.”  
“Damn.”  
“Mhm.”   
They walked in silence for a few minutes. Lev was walking bouncily, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet as if psyching himself up for something. His (warmly gloved) hands were clenching and unclenching.   
“Can you stop doing that with your hands?” said Yaku.   
“Sorry.” replied Lev, then smirked. “Would you prefer if I did this?” He took Yaku’s hand in his own, still smirking.   
_You smooth motherfucker_ thought Yaku. He didn’t say it though, instead choosing to say “You’re too tall.” After all, he was having to put his hand at an awkward height to hold Lev’s. Lev grinned and didn’t rise to it. Instead he just squeezed Yaku’s hand. The shorter boy didn’t feel so cold anymore.

\---

“Ohohoho! Look at that!” said Bokuto suddenly, pointing. It was the day after, just as training was getting started.   
Kuroo followed his arm and smirked. “Dude, are we the best or are we the best?”   
“You know… I think we’re the best!”   
“I’d have to agree with you there.”   
They watched happily as Lev and Yaku held hands.   
“Wait wait just a second!” said Bokuto. He pulled out his phone and turned around, holding it up. Kuroo quickly caught on and popped his head into the shot, doing a peace sign.

Ten minutes later Yaku stormed over to where they were sitting, having an intense thumb war. He started to talk but Bokuto held up a hand, silencing him. “Wait til we’re do- Oh you little asshole!”   
Kuroo flashed Yaku a smile and tried to trap Bokuto’s thumb. In response the owl boy waved his hand around wildly, trying to stop Kuroo from winning. Yaku jumped back to avoid getting punched, but Bokuto’s attempt hadn’t worked. Kuroo won and turned to Yaku, grinning. “What did you want to say?”   
“It’s about your selfie.” replied Yaku, crossing his arms. “We are not #lovebirds!”   
Nekoma’s captain laughed. “Isn’t it a great selfie though? Like seriously my hair looks so great.”   
“You look like shit and so does Bokuto.”  
Bokuto emerged from his dark cloud of sulking. “Oi!”   
Yaku rolled his eyes and stalked off angrily. Behind him Kuroo stuck out his tongue. “They don’t understand what a favour we’re doing them!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't know what Rat a Tat Cat is please, for your own good, find it and play it. I get waay too competitive over it. Also apologies if Yaku and Lev are a bit OOC, I don't know their characters too well which is why they didn't get much screentime owo   
> Shameless self promotion time! Y'all should come and talk to me at volleyball-boyfriends.tumblr.com, I'd love to chat :D

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry


End file.
